That's basically a summary of my day. Lazy morning before lunch at the grab and go due to the crazy number of people that all try to eat at the same time. With another record enrollment year at bc I feel like the student body is starting to overflow and outgrow the campus. It will be really nice to have the new academic building so that classes can be in the building they should be in, unlike my sociology class which just got moved to the art/music/business/education building. The best part of the move though is that I get to walk up like a lot a lot a lot of stairs in the ten minutes between my 1 and 2:00 classes. I already had to walk a long long way. Now I have to walk probably about the same distance but just a lot more stairs in between. But I'm going to view it as a good calf workout. I've always wanted to tone those calves. Won't have to do any calf raises in my weight training class. It's going to be fun getting used to walking all the hills again. Hills and stairs. They make getting to class much more exciting than plain old flat walkways. But that's really just some whining I needed to get out of my system. Point is, classes start tomorrow. So today was a chill day. There were some leftover tshirts from our residence hall last year so we got to take one and since they were just plain white tshirts the ra's thought it would be a fun idea to splatter paint them. So that was some fun in the heat of the day sun. And now I have a mcdonald hall tshirt with lovely splatters of color all over it. We played life this afternoon in our suite lounge. It's the new version which is really weird and I don't know if I like it. There's more things and more paths to choose and college careers and starter homes and all this craziness that makes life a lot more complicated than it really is. Or maybe it's more realistic... I guess I didn't think about it that way.
I mean there are more than just two paths in life right. It's not like you go to college or you don't and then your path is set from there. Because even when you choose one path or the other the route you're on just leads to another fork in the road. There are always choices to be made and different roads to travel. So I guess that's what's so complicated and confusing. You make a decision and think you know what you're doing and maybe you do for awhile but then you're faced with even more decisions and then you're right back where you started even though you thought you knew what you were doing. And it's frustrating! It's super frustrating not knowing what you're doing with your life. But I guess it's not always for us to know. It's just up to us to trust that God knows. He created each of us for a unique and special purpose that only we can do. And it's hard just praying and trusting and waiting. I'm finding it really hard. But I know that if I spend quiet time in prayer each day I'll get a little better at praying and waiting and listening and trusting and all those things I'm called to do. And then maybe I'll have a better idea of what it is I'm supposed to be doing and where God is calling me to be.
I read a little about Mother Teresa in Rediscovering Catholicism today. And the thing that really spoke to me was the last paragraph in this little section about the great model she is to look to as an example of someone who lived an authentic life, someone that people regardless of race or religion or whatever can all agree was an extraordinary person. It said "Before everything else, Mother Teresa was a woman of prayer. Each day she would spend three hours before the Blessed Sacrament in prayer." Wow. Three hours in adoration each day. And I can't even spare 10 minutes most days? I think I need to rethink my priorities. A great blessing here at bc is having perpetual adoration at St. Benedict's parish right on the edge of campus. So I could go and pray in the adoration chapel at any time throughout the day. So how is it that I go days and days without spending any time there at all? And I can walk there. It's a 5-10 minute walk from my dorm. I don't have any legitimate excuse to not make it in there everyday. And I mean prayer doesn't have to happen in a chapel. I could go to the grotto as well which I do like to do when the weather is nice. I could even pray in my room, as long as it was actually quiet and I thought I could actually go more than a minute or two without getting distracted. The point is, I don't pray as often as I should, and when I do, it's rarely the kind of prayer where I just sit in adoration before my God and listen to hear what He wants to say to me, to just be still in the presence of Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament. And why not? Why not?
The point of Matthew Kelly sharing a little about these saints is in the hope that we will imitate them and learn from their lives and apply these lessons to our own lives. These were just ordinary people who wanted to serve God and do His will. Isn't that what we should all be trying to do? Isn't it possible for all of us to be saints? Yes. It is. We think the saints are out of our league or blessed with some super natural capability from birth or something. No. They just knew the importance of God int their lives. And they acted accordingly. As Kelly states about Mother Teresa "she placed Jesus at the center of her life." And the thing that really really made me think? "In the depths of her heart, she knew that action without prayer was worth nothing." Wow. So even when I'm going to church and bible study and maybe I volunteer with some organization now and then, I still need to remember to develop a personal relationship with Jesus through prayer and especially silent and reflective prayer. That's how I will know what I should be doing. That's how I'll know where He is calling me to be.
So easy to say. So much harder to do. So much harder to get started I should say. I don't think it will be as hard once I get going. Because I know I will feel so much better than I do right now. Confused and lonely and frustrated and just wanting to understand what my purpose is. I know the steps I need to take to get there. So why is it so hard? I want to know right? Or do I? Maybe I'm scared that I'll actually get answers to my questions and they won't be what I want to hear. Maybe nothing will change, or things won't change fast enough, and I'll just give up and be right back where I started. Maybe. But maybe God knows exactly what He's doing with my life. And maybe He is going to take me places and have me doing things that are way better than I could have possibly imagined. I'm pretty sure that's how it will be. It's just hard while I'm waiting. That makes me think of the John Waller song, While I'm Waiting.
And this all started by me saying that splatter painting tshirts was all that was going on in my life. Guess that wasn't exactly the whole truth. Though I guess my mind, my heart, my life kind of feels like the splattered tshirt that's now hanging in my closet. It looks like a mess up close, just a bunch of dots and lines and sometimes the colors get mixed up and smeared and it doesn't turn out the way you intended. But then you remember that it's splatter painting. It's impossible for it to be perfect. There's no such thing. And when you take a step back and look at the big picture, the completed project, it looks pretty cool. Even though you couldn't have ever planned it that way. You've just got to let the paint splatter where it splatters. Well that was a cheesy metaphor I certainly did not intend when I began writing this post. But I hope it means something to anyone that might read this. It's amazing the things I learn when I manage to make sense of all the craziness going on in my head.
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