Oh. My. Goodness.
I am so sick of walking back and forth between the academic assistance center, the business office, and the financial aid office. It has been more work walking around and talking to all these people and filling out all these forms than it has been taking notes and typing them up. They should pay me for all the time I am spending doing these little back and forth and round in circles trips the past couple days. They should be paying me for the time I spent sitting in the library waiting for the academic assistance person to be free to talk to me. They should be paying for my parents to send me another form of identification for the stupid tax form.
I had been thinking at the end of summer that it was going to be hard to do all the things I want to when I'm (hopefully) abroad next semester since I didn't work this summer. And then random opportunities to make some extra money kept popping up and I was like God will provide and I shouldn't worry about the money issue so much because I'm going to get to do everything I want. God will provide. I thought that's what this was. Just another opportunity to make some money before I (hopefully) study abroad. But now I'm feeling like it's some sort of test of endurance I need to pass or something. I don't know what is coming for me, but apparently I need to learn to deal with unorganized departments that are very interconnected but nonetheless never seem to communicate with each other. People who do things in such a way that is quick and easy for them instead of the people they should be trying to help. It's just really frustrating though. And I know this is really nothing and I shouldn't be dwelling on it so much, but it's just pushing me to my limit and I just don't know when I might crack.
I'm so confused because just when I start to feel at home here, something happens to make me question why I ever wanted to be here in the first place. What was the attraction? The campus ministry that I have basically zero involvement in? FOCUS which has certainly not lived up to its supposed purpose of building fellowship amongst catholic university students in my life? The academics which are mostly boring and nothing different than what I already had in high school? The administration that is more of a headache than helpful? The community that I really don't feel a part of? I don't know...
When I was talking to my bible study leader yesterday and was talking about how my parents came out for the weekend she asked if I was homesick. And I mean of course I miss being at home. I totally can't relate to the people that were like dying to be back at school after just a couple weeks of being home. I like being home. I like spending time with my family, most of the time. I have friends at home that I always look forward to seeing. I have a parish that I love being a part of. But I don't know that I'm homesick necessarily.
I want to look forward to going to school. I want there to be things for me to miss about it. I want something to make me feel like, when I'm here, I'm really a part of what's happening here. And I just don't have any of those things. So it's not really homesickness, it's just a lack of a reason to stay here. If the opportunity comes along for me to get away for awhile, I take it. Because there's nothing here to make me want to stay. I have no deep connection with any of the students, faculty, clubs or organizations. Nothing.
So my mission I guess for the semester is to learn if these feelings that I have are coming from God or from the devil. Is this a sign from God that I'm not supposed to be here because He would want me to be happy and feel at home wherever I go to school? Did I have to go through these two years here to realize that I don't have to go to a catholic college to be catholic? That really the degree to which I live out my faith is up to me and it doesn't matter where I am, I can always pray and go to mass and whatever I want to do to grow in faith? Or are all of these terrible feelings from the devil? Is he tempting me with the lure of civilization and challenges and diversity which I could find at other schools? Is this just something that I need to endure and if I just stay focused on God I will be able to get through it? I wish I knew. I wish I knew how to know.
I mean, I guess I do, but I just wish I could get an answer faster. Maybe this is just my cross to bear. The feeling of always being restless and longing for some sense of purpose. And if I just keep growing closer to God then eventually I will know what I'm supposed to do and where I'm supposed to be. I guess instead of letting all of this drive me away from God I have to make sure that it brings me closer to Him. That in all things God may be glorified.
Lord, I don't know why or how all these feeling of confusion and frustration and purposelessness fit into your plan for my life, but I know that you will give me nothing that I can't handle. May I come to rely more and more on you and you alone as I struggle to carry the burden of feeling lost in a world of people who all seem to know where they are going. Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the strength to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
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